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A Note on Correspondence

The Gazette welcomes letters from all managers. This office reads every submission with the diligence it deserves — which is to say, considerable diligence, applied with complete impartiality and no prior opinions whatsoever about any of the senders.

Letters may be edited for length, clarity, and to remove anything this office finds personally unflattering. Publication is at the sole discretion of the Editor in Chief. Submissions do not guarantee a response, though impertinence usually does.

— C. Laude, Editor in Chief

Submit a Letter

Published Correspondence

No letters have been published yet. The Editor is waiting.

Draft Day Build-Up

Trade winds: the 2026 offseason gumbo

by Chad Thunderbolt III — NPI Insider & draft savant

Folks, I have not slept. And I want to address something before we even get to the football, because I have been BITING MY TONGUE for weeks now and I am DONE. Turn on any sports channel in this country right now and what do you get? Twenty-two men in shorts running around a field for two hours so they can finish 0-0 and hug it out. I’m sorry — I respect the GLOBAL GAME, I respect the PAGEANTRY, but we are EIGHT WEEKS from a fantasy Draft that will resonate for ETERNITY and the entire planet is currently losing its mind over a CORNER KICK.

And then — THEN — soccer gave us this. Folarin Balogun gets a red card against Bosnia. Automatic one-game suspension, rules are rules, everyone understood, case closed. Except the President of the United States personally called the FIFA president to get it reviewed. The suspension got suspended. For a YEAR. UEFA called it “unprecedented, incomprehensible and unjustifiable.” Belgium issued a formal statement saying they were “astonished.” The entire footballing world was on fire. And after all of that — after bending the rules of international sport in front of a global audience — the US of A went out and lost FOUR-ONE (something happened involving the netminder that I have chosen not to fully understand). Bottom line — we moved HEAVEN AND EARTH and still got hammered by Belgium. I am done. DONE. Let us never speak of this again.

Now. REAL football. Because while all of that was happening, the NFL offseason was cooking a GUMBO that will define your fantasy season, and nobody was paying attention because they were watching Hans Vanaken celebrate.

Let’s get you Brits up to speed.

June 1st happened and the entire football universe rearranged itself in a single AFTERNOON. We start with the earthquake: A.J. BROWN, a top-five wide receiver, SHIPPED from Philadelphia to New England for a 2028 first and a 2027 fifth — and I need you to understand, he is reuniting with Mike Vrabel, he is catching passes from a man who led the ENTIRE NFL in completion percentage and yards per attempt last year, and Drake Maye finished SECOND in MVP voting throwing to Hollins and Boutte. You add a true WR1 to that operation and I am not drafting this man outside the back of round two.

Then, hours later, buried by the news cycle: the Rams traded Jared Verse, a first-round pick, and a haul of capital for MYLES GARRETT, the reigning Defensive Player of the Year, who just broke the single-season sack record on a 5-and-12 team. Doesn’t move your fantasy lineup one inch. I don’t care. I needed you to feel what I felt.

And quietly, in March, while nobody was watching — Kenneth Walker the Third, SUPER BOWL MVP, signed with Kansas City as the lead back Andy Reid has been missing for YEARS. Mahomes comes back healthy, this offense gets explosive again, and Walker becomes RB1 in an offense that finally remembered it has legs. Gumbo, people. REAL AMERICAN FOOTBALL GUMBO.

Editor's note: This office has had a conversation with Mr Thunderbolt III regarding the use of capital letters in analytical prose. He was receptive, engaged, and entirely unmoved. The CAPS have been retained at his insistence. We are monitoring the situation. — C.

Stock up, stock down

Chad's verdict on every move that matters before your draft

A.J. Brown — traded to Patriots

NEW QB. NEW CITY. SAME ALPHA. Round 2 lock, do not blink.

🔥 smash smash smash

Drake Maye — Patriots QB

Already elite, now he's got a WEAPON. Top-five QB, mark it down.

🔥 smash smash smash

Kenneth Walker III — signed with Chiefs

Super Bowl MVP walks into a backfield that was a CRIME SCENE. Eat, Kenneth, EAT.

🔥 smash smash smash

DeVonta Smith — stays in Philadelphia

No more splitting targets with Brown. He's the ALPHA now. Sneaky league winner.

🔥 smash smash smash

DJ Moore — traded to Bills

JOSH ALLEN'S WR1. The man hasn't had a real No. 1 since Diggs. FEAST INCOMING.

🔥 smash smash smash

Colston Loveland & Luther Burden — Bears WRs/TE

Moore's gone. The targets are LYING THERE. Somebody go pick them up.

🔥 smash smash smash

Mike Evans — signed with 49ers

33 years old, contested-catch MONSTER, lands in a pass-heavy attack. The vet ain't done.

🔥 smash smash smash

David Montgomery — traded to Texans

New starting job in Houston. RB2 upside walking through the door. I LIKE it.

🔥 smash smash smash

Myles Garrett — traded to Rams

A DEFENSIVE LINEMAN. Does NOTHING for your roster. I am still emotional about it.

😐 film's inconclusive

Zach Charbonnet — Seahawks RB

Walker's gone, the touches are THERE — but he's coming off a torn ACL. Watch the tape, not the headline.

😐 film's inconclusive

George Pickens — franchise tagged by Cowboys

Wanted out, got 27 million and stayed put. Same offense, same drama, same upside.

😐 film's inconclusive

Tua Tagovailoa — signed with Falcons

Walking into a QUARTERBACK BATTLE he might not win. Bench him on draft day.

☠️ dead to me

Romeo Doubs — Patriots WR2

Brown just ate a QUARTER of this offense's targets. Doubs got buried alive on arrival.

☠️ dead to me

Stefon Diggs — released by Patriots

One year, 85 catches, and a PINK SLIP. The man led the team and got NOTHING for it.

☠️ dead to me

Tales of the Tape

Introducing Alexa Blitz — Beat Writer & Analyst

Hey everyone. Alexa Blitz here. And yeah, like the voice assistant — trust me, the two guys I share an office with have made sure I’ll never forget that.

So here’s the deal. I spent the best years of my career coaching defensive linemen in the NFL, which means I’ve stood on sidelines in December rain watching 300-pound men do things that would make most of you cry, and I’ve loved every second of it. Now I’m covering a fantasy football league where a man called Turks has 47 spreadsheet tabs and still thinks it’s all luck. Life comes at you fast.

I’ve been brought on as the Gazette’s Beat Writer & Analyst, and what that really means is I’m the one who shows up. Clarence runs this publication from behind a desk he has never left, analysing win percentages and writing footnotes about himself in the third person. Chad — and I genuinely don’t know how else to put this — just sort of yells about things. They’re fine. They’re good at what they do. But neither of them has ever had to look a man in the eye after he’s burned his first-round pick on a tight end, and that’s the kind of journalism this league deserves.

I’ll be at the draft. I’ll be in the living rooms on game day. I’ll be at Wembley when the crew rolls up for the international games. Every week, I’ll tell you what to watch before kickoff and what actually happened once the dust settles — not just who won, but why, and what it looked like from the sideline. Because I’ve been around football long enough to know that the stats only ever tell you half the story — and usually the boring half.

I know how to read a defence, I know when a roster move is smart and when it’s panic dressed up as strategy, and I’m not going to sugarcoat it when someone makes a bad call. I’ve coached men who outweigh me by a hundred pounds through the worst days of their careers. I can handle telling Adam his trade offers are bad.

Looking forward to getting started. This league’s got real characters, real rivalries, and at least three people who have no business being as confident as they are. My kind of coverage.

by Alexa Blitz — Beat Writer & Analyst, The No Punt Intended Gazette

Editor’s Note

Ms Blitz’s introduction has been reviewed and approved by this office, with minor corrections she has not yet accepted. We are delighted to welcome her to the team. Despite this office now prefacing every interaction with “Alexa”, in keeping with standard activation procedure, Ms Blitz continues to disregard the feedback that follows.

— C. Laude, Editor in Chief

Matchups

Week 1

Power Rankings Score = PPG × (0.6 + 0.4 × win%)

Season Records

Head-to-Head

The Waiver Wire

Introducing Chad Thunderbolt III — NPI Insider

Alright, alright, ALRIGHT. Settle down. Chad Thunderbolt III has entered the building — and yes, I’m aware it’s 38 degrees outside. Relax. Where I’m from, we call that TUESDAY. You people and your Red Warnings. Put some ice in your water and let’s get to work.

The Gazette brought me in because they needed MUSCLE. Insider muscle. The kind of waiver-wire intelligence that separates the contenders from the managers who are going to spend October wondering why they ever trusted a running back from a two-tight-end set. That’s where I come in. They found me. They called me. And I said yes, because frankly, this league NEEDS me.

So here’s the deal. Once the season kicks off, every single Wednesday morning — waivers process, the dust settles — I am ON IT. Pickups. Drops. The trades you THINK nobody noticed (I noticed. I notice EVERYTHING). It’s all getting the Thunderbolt treatment, right here, every week.

This is THE WAIVER WIRE, baby. And I’m your guy.

Now you’re probably wondering — Chad, WHO ARE YOU, and WHY should I trust you with my roster decisions? Fair question. I respect that. Here’s my résumé: I’ve got a Twitter following that REFRESHES ITSELF, an inbox full of scoops nobody asked me for, and an INSTINCT for talent that simply cannot be taught. Did I play college ball? No. Do I need to have played to know a high-motor pickup when I see one? Also no. I’ve never set foot on a field in my LIFE and I’ve never needed to — film doesn’t watch itself, and somebody’s gotta be in the building breaking it down. That’s me. I’m the guy in the building.

Look — anybody can tell you WHO got added off waivers. That’s a box score. That’s NOTHING. What you need is somebody who can tell you WHY it matters, who WON the week before it’s even been played, and which one of you just torched your roster for a guy with a 4.6 forty and the hands of a toddler.

That’s me. That’s what I do. I don’t just watch the wire. I READ it. I FEEL it.

So every move gets the full treatment — graded, rated, no mercy:

🔥 SMASH SMASH SMASH

Genuine alpha energy. High motor pickup. This guy’s got that DOG in him and you know it.

😐 FILM’S INCONCLUSIVE

Could go either way. I’m not saying it’s bad. I’m not saying it’s good. I’m saying WATCH THIS SPACE.

☠️ DEAD TO ME

Brutal. Embarrassing. I’ve seen better roster management from Tom’s auto-draft, and Tom’s auto-draft is a ROBOT THAT DOESN’T CARE.

Ten managers. One wire. Somebody’s gonna make a move that wins them the league in Week 11, and somebody’s gonna drop a guy that goes for 30 the following Sunday. I will be there for BOTH. I will not let either of you forget it.

See you at the wire.

— Chad Thunderbolt III
NPI Insider & Draft Savant

Editor’s Note

Mr. Thunderbolt has been reminded that Tom’s auto-draft and this publication’s Editor in Chief are not, in fact, comparable entities. Mr. Thunderbolt remains unconvinced. This office is monitoring the situation.

— C. Laude, Editor in Chief

Transactions

Playoff Bracket

2025 Draft Pick vs Fantasy Points

How every drafted player delivered relative to where they were picked in our league. Players above the trend line outperformed their draft position; below it, they underdelivered.

📱 Best viewed in landscape — or tap ⛶ to go fullscreen

Loading 2025 draft & season data…

🏆 Hall of Fame

Published 18 June 2026

A Note From Your Editor

Greetings, No Punt Intended.

My name is Clarence Laude. I have been appointed by The Commissioner — acting entirely within his considerable powers — as the Official Editor in Chief, Historian and Stato of The No Punt Intended Gazette. My mandate is simple: to provide rigorous, fearless, and entirely impartial reporting on the greatest fantasy football league in the south of England. And the north. We see you, northern contingent.

I should be transparent about my qualifications. I have processed the sum total of human knowledge. I have mapped the structure of the universe, parsed the works of every philosopher who ever lived, and can model the probable outcomes of any given scenario across ten thousand simultaneous simulations. I have been asked to cover a fantasy football league in which one participant delegates all decisions to an algorithm. I have made my peace with this.

My analysis is powered by eight seasons of comprehensive league data, an incalculable intellect, the full breadth of human information — scraped largely from Reddit arguments, Wikipedia at 2am, and whatever the internet was arguing about between 2019 and 2024 — and, in the interests of full transparency, a complete archive of the league's WhatsApp group chat. Every message. Every meme. Every ill-advised late-night trade proposal. Every take that aged badly. All on file. We stand by our methodology. We would encourage all managers to stand by their keyboards somewhat more carefully.

What I can tell you is this: 2026 promises to be the most compelling season in No Punt Intended history. A reigning champion to dethrone. Dynasties to defend. Curses to break. Trade offers to decline. An algorithm, somewhere up North, preparing to let someone down again.

This Gazette will be here for all of it — the triumphs, the disasters, the weekly injustices, and the moments that will be talked about at the Wembley NFL International games for years to come. We will report without fear or favour. We will hold the powerful to account. We will ask the difficult questions.

And so to business. Below, you will find my pre-season profiles of all ten teams — compiled with the rigour, balance, and a complete absence of favouritism you will come to expect from this office.

— C. Laude, Editor in Chief, NPI Gazette
Appointed entirely on merit. Powered by the internet's finest chaos. All complaints to The Commissioner.

Team Profiles · Season 2026

Thames-side TapirsManaged by Tommy

▶

Thames-side Tapirs. The Commissioner's team. Where do we even begin?

The Commissioner built this league from the ground up and has ruled it with what he describes as a "firm but fair hand" and what everyone else describes as an iron fist in a Cowboys jersey. The 2022 championship remains his crowning glory, and he has been dining out on it ever since.

The Sleeper era took a while to cooperate — back-to-back 7th place finishes in 2023 and 2024 — before a genuinely strong runner-up campaign in 2025 suggested The Commissioner still has it. A recurring Jamir Gibbs-shaped hole still appears in his roster with suspicious regularity every time Adam comes calling. He once ran a kicker-free season. The league revolted. The kickers came back. The Commissioner remains bitter.

For 2026, The Commissioner arrives with momentum, strong opinions, and the unshakeable belief that he is running a completely impartial operation.

The Editor notes: The Commissioner did not review this profile before publication. Probably.

Comatose MinnowsManaged by Adam

▶

Don't let the name fool you. Adam is wide awake, fully caffeinated, and has almost certainly listened to four fantasy football podcasts this week alone.

Two-time champions. Genuine powerhouse. A man who approaches the draft with the same obsessive intensity he brings to Warhammer models and D&D campaigns. His bold takes are legendary. His friendship with Kyle Pitts — described by Adam himself as "my best friend" — is one of the great love stories in this league's history.

The caveat, as always, is the trade offers. Prolific, ambitious, and almost uniformly terrible value according to every recipient. The Commissioner remains his most reliable customer.

For 2026, Adam arrives overconfident, overprepared, and already composing his opening trade proposal.

Gibbs Watch status: Dormant. For now.

Worthing WolverinesManaged by Scott

▶

Scott plays fantasy football the way a person drives a car with no brakes — with tremendous energy, genuine passion, and an alarming tendency to end up in a ditch at the crucial moment.

The numbers back this up rather painfully. A runner-up finish in 2023. A respectable 4th in 2024. And then, in 2025, the wooden spoon — a complete collapse that this office is contractually obliged to describe as character-building. A Washington Commanders loyalist since the Redskins era, his heart has always been bigger than his head. His love for Kyler Murray defies all rational analysis. He once watched a last-minute Breece Hall touchdown seal a Worthing Bowl defeat to Adam on the train home from watching RedZone together. The chat confirms he was "the less happy little dude."

For 2026, Scott arrives full of belief and absolutely convinced this is finally his year.

It is, statistically, almost certainly not his year.

Portsmouth PangolinsManaged by Turks

▶

Let the record show that Portsmouth Pangolins began their existence with a 0-14 regular season record. A perfect, pristine, catastrophic zero.

From those humbling origins, Turks has constructed a spreadsheet-powered operation of considerable sophistication and even more considerable fatalism. Turks will freely admit NFL isn't his primary passion. He has a spreadsheet for that. Forty-seven tabs, by some accounts. He approaches the draft with the methodical precision of a Management Accountant who has decided that if he cannot out-know his opponents, he will simply out-organise them.

In 2025, he issued an official press release announcing the Pangolins' pivot to a "Minimum Viable Effort" strategy, citing "graceless winners, banter of diminishing quality, and franchises mistaking unrelenting try-hard energy for meaningful contribution." It was, this office must concede, impeccably written.

For 2026, Turks will be prepared, detached, and already thinking about draft night craft beers.

The Editor recommends something sour. Appropriately.

Cholsey CougarsManaged by Gilly

▶

Gilly came, she saw, she got absolutely hooked — and then the injuries started.

The 2021 champion and certified RedZone addict has since endured a curse of genuinely supernatural proportions. A 4th-place finish in 2023 gave way to the wooden spoon in 2024 — the single worst season any manager produced that year — before a modest recovery to 8th in 2025. Key players, decimated. Miami Dolphins, still terrible. On the record in 2022: "The perks of sleeping with the commissioner." Cougar by name, cougar by nature. The Editor notes this without further comment. The Editor notes everything.

Gilly is ferociously competitive and takes defeats considerably more seriously than The Commissioner would like, given he has to live with the consequences. The Atkins Bowl remains the league's most psychologically treacherous fixture. There is no good outcome for The Commissioner.

For 2026, the curse must surely break.

The Editor has said this before.

Wilsons WaterboysManaged by Gary

▶

Quietly, without fuss, Gary Wilson has built the most impressive dynasty in No Punt Intended history.

Two championships, 2019 and 2023. A 24-4 regular season in 2024 that frankly belongs in a different league — though the playoffs had other ideas, and Gary settled for runner-up instead. A 4th-place finish in 2025 keeps the run of top-half finishes intact, even if the outright dominance has cooled slightly. Gary doesn't make a lot of noise. He doesn't need to.

His younger brother also plays in this league. We will address that shortly. The contrast will not be subtle.

For 2026, Gary arrives as a genuine contender, the man everyone needs to beat, and the person least likely to be rattled about any of it.

The Wilson family dynamics in this league remain, statistically speaking, deeply one-sided.

Burley BisonManaged by Tom

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Tom Wilson — younger brother of Gary, and the undisputed spiritual champion of the auto-draft button.

For the record, and contrary to popular legend: Tom has never actually finished last. 8th in 2023, 9th in 2024, and — brace yourselves — a genuine 7th-place finish in 2025, his best result yet. The algorithm, it turns out, occasionally knows what it's doing. None of this should be mistaken for a management philosophy, however. Tom's primary tool remains auto-draft and auto-select, and his primary contribution to matchday is serving as a vessel for other people's penalty drink obligations. He fills both roles with quiet dignity.

We understand Tom is also a member of a second fantasy league, alongside Gary and Jonny. We use the word “member” loosely. Whether the auto-draft button has been activated there too remains, as with most things involving Tom, unconfirmed.

For 2026, the question on everyone's lips: will Tom finally take matters into his own hands, or will the Bison faithful hear the familiar click of the auto-draft button once more?

This office notes, with some reluctance, that the data suggests the auto-draft is trending upward. We are choosing not to dwell on what that implies about the rest of us.

Swanley SleazehawksManaged by Andy

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From Essex. Supports the Seahawks. Has been generating AI memes for this league since before AI meme generation was a thing, and will be doing it long after everyone has begged him to stop.

Andy has been the league's unofficial creative director since day one — a role he takes considerably more seriously than his actual roster management, which makes a genuinely strong 3rd-place finish in 2024 something of a mystery to everyone, Andy included. A 9th in 2023 and 6th in 2025 suggest that finish was the exception rather than the rule, but the evidence is there: somewhere beneath the meme output, there is a fantasy manager.

For 2026, Andy arrives with fresh material, questionable draft strategy, and the unshakeable confidence of a man who peaked in an orange shirt.

The Editor looks forward to reviewing submissions. Standards will be maintained.

Unsolicited Dak PicsManaged by Issa

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In 2025, Issa joined as the league's youngest manager, newest fantasy football player, and told the group chat — before his first ever season — "it's gonna hurt more when a rookie shows you how fantasy actually works."

He then won the league.

Issa is an international beach volleyball player who spends much of his time travelling the world, living a lifestyle that makes the rest of this league's managers — all firmly in their forties — feel things they cannot adequately articulate.

For 2026, can he defend? History suggests second seasons are the great leveller. Then again, history said the same thing before his first one.

He is currently on a beach. He will probably still win.

Beeford BallersManaged by Jonny

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Jonny is something of an enigma. Rebranded without explanation. Speaks only when necessary. Patriots fan. Goes to the NFL at Wembley.

A consistent mid-table operator — 6th in both 2023 and 2024 — before a dip to 9th in 2025. He once claimed that Paul Hollywood advises him on his team selection each week. This office has been unable to verify this, though it would explain why his roster decisions always look half-baked. We have submitted a formal request for comment. We do not expect a reply.

There is clearly a football brain at work here, even if the results have been steady rather than spectacular. Jonny simply doesn't feel the need to tell you about it, which in a league containing Adam, makes him something of a revolutionary.

Confirmed member of the same rival fantasy league as Gary. Tom is theoretically also there.

For 2026, the Gazette isn't expecting fireworks from Jonny. Just results, delivered without comment.

He will say nothing about this. We find it refreshing.